Saturday, December 10, 2011

GROWING UP “RUSSIAN” in AMERICA

A fellow Russian-American shared this with me and I almost peed in my pants reading it so naturally, I wanted to share...
Pour yourself a cup of chai, put on your tapochki and Enjoy and if you have others to add to this, do share!  


Your mom tells you to eat something she just made and you say "mama, I'm not hungry," and she replies "a shto?! nada bit golodnim shtob eta pokushat?!"
Having so much food on the table at every single party your parents host that can last for weeks when the party ends. 
Running out of semechki is a crisis.
You are upstairs. Papa calls from downstairs. Why? Two possible reasons: 1 He wants you to bring him his tapochki (which lie about 10 feet away, by the TV), or 2 It's just a proverka sluha (checking your hearing).


You say "Blin!" instead of "Shit!"


The main sport every russian kid has had to play once in their life: tennis, soccer, and durÁk. if u dont know how to play durak, u should be disinherited.
When you get sunburned your grandparents tell you to put smetana on it.

At one point in your life, you had a carpet hanging on your wall...if you still do, call me!
You can't go to a friend's house" s “pustymi rukami" - you should bring a torktik...I had to bold and translate this because it is VERY important!!!  Do not go to a friends house empty-handed...bring something, it's rude otherwise!

Your mom will tell you to lose weight, and 5 minutes later ask you why you are not eating her piroshki.

Your parents insist on wearing a hat in the winter, because “golova ne zopa”.

You try to get your mother's attention several times by repeatedly saying 'mama..' and she replies "NE MAMKAY MNE!"

When you tell your mother about something you read or did on the internet, and she responds with, "OH ti duraka valayish instead of looking for colleges?!"

"gavno na palachky" is worse than just plain "gavno"
There is no right time to eat anything cold. You either are sick, were just sick, or will get sick.

There are only 3 types of anti-septic your parents trust and use: zelyonkaiod and marganzovka. So you have variety of choices to be green, orange or purple.

"Holodets" is also known as "Jellied minced meat cooked with eggs and pig feet."  Try getting any of your American friends to try that one.
Every guy you date/dated your father calls "chistiy dibil"

Your mom insists that you clean your room before the cleaning lady comes "shtobi nye bilo stidno"

Your relatives and family friends tell you: "you know, when your mother was your age she already had a husband and a kid to take care off..."

When you come home from school or work you must change into your "domashniya" clothes.



When your grandma doesnt let you outside untill you finish your food, even though you’re dying inside.

You spent elementary and middle school wanting PB&J and Fruit Rollups for lunch instead of your meatball wrapped in rye. Now you sit in your college dorm pining for kotleti.

Papa's favorite line: "NITCHEVO SEBYE!" and “IDIOTY”

Every single event in your life is somehow indicative of whether or not you will get married.

"A chto k chau?"
When you invite a friend to your house, and your mother begins feeding him/her, you know she approves. Likewise, if no food is offered, you know not to bring them back.

When you don't need a fake because your parents buy you alcohol, no questions asked. This makes your friends insanely jealous.

Mama always texts you the weirdest things and ne dai bog shto ti shto to ne to napisala, she will call you to find out what it meant.

Phone call from grandma: "Ya po televizoru videla chto po internetu peredaut virusy, ne vkoem sluchae ne pol'zuysya internetom"

You make some tea before going to sleep and mama or papa always say to you, "A patom nochu ne spish

When you complain to your parents about a bee sting or a mosquito bite and they respond with "potomu chto ti sladkaya"

When your parents force feed your american friends even though they said they're full...

If you have a russian or russian jewish friend your parents automatically question why you aren't married to that person yet.

Vse harosho?? Slavu boguTsfu tsfu tsfu cheres levoya plecho!!

Everyone has to sitdown before leaving for a trip...My Family still does this!
When your father's broken English, asks for the "Hostage" instead of the "Hostess" at the restaurant.

When a black cat crosses the road and your mom immediately stops the car and refuses to go until somebody else passes her.

Your mom will never throw away old garments because they make good "tryapki"

"Ne svisti domadeneg ne budit!" If you could only explain to your american friends the connection between whistling and wealth.

Your mother's road rage includes calling other drivers "kazyol"

The only "tupperware" in your house is old smetana containers.

When your American boyfriend visits, your papa immediately takes off his tapochki and gives them to him. Your mama is hustling to find more tapochki around the house so everyone's feet are covered.

When you eat too many sweets, mom goes : A popa ne slipnitsa?
Your American friends don't understand "s lohkim parom"

Everytime you compliment someone or say something positive, you might jinx them, so you always have to spit three times "ptu ptu ptu SHTOB NE ZGLAZAT!"

Your parents always make you wear "tapachkee" inside the house. And all of your friends.

When you don't finish your babushka's seven course meal including salads, potatoes, fish, meat, soup, more meat, and finally desert, it means you don't love her.

You don't understand why everyone doesn't sleep with a puhovoye odeyala, even in the summer.

You have to sleep with no underwear "shtobi peeska dishala"
Explaining to your American friends that your family is neither yelling or fighting just talking to each other.

At the end of the day you have to tell your mother every detail of what you did, including how many times you went to the bathroom.

When you see a middle-aged aunt or female relative, after not having seen them for a long period of time, and the first thing out of her mouth is "oh ti tak popravilas!" or "oh ti tak pohudela!"

Your mom does laps around the house on the phone repeating the phrase line "nu shto tebye skazat.."

I know you are cry-laughing reading these because they are Soo True BUT…DO YOU HAVE OTHERS THAT ARE NOT HERE?  IF SO, DO SHARE...WE CAN'T LET THESE "TRADITIONS" DIE!

27 comments:

  1. when you get "furunkel, nariv, chirei" on your eye, you need to boil an egg and put it on your eye to keep it warm. my mom told that to my american boyfriend once, i thought he was going to pee himself laughing.

    -tanya

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    Replies
    1. another one- everyone needs to show the DYLYA to your sick eye- makes it cure faster:))

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    2. You also have to show DULYA when your nose is itching or you'll get punch in the nose. Dulya or figa was a panacea for all problems.
      To cure a sunburn one should either pee on himself or use fresh cucumber.
      For a sore throat my mother (now I am too) used to give me hot milk with honney, butter and baking soda. It helped somehow. Talk about high cholesterol.
      I could right a million of such things. My favorite was when my grand-ma forced me to eat she always talked about starving children in Africa, and if I did not finish my food it meant I would have a husband with a limp.

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  2. We could probably write a book just on this topic alone!

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  3. one favorite term they use...'thfuuu...yolki palki' whats that about...lol

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  4. When you have a stye on your eye, you give it a "dulya". Makes perfect sense, right?

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  5. I think that you have to give a dulya to everyone that looks at you...
    Can't share any good news...tebya zglazyat and
    Wear a safety pin on the inside of your clothes...shtobe tebya ne zglazili?

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  6. On the cold front- you can't stand or be near AC/fan "potomchto prosdudizhsya" because your will catch a cold. And g-d forbid you go outside with wet hair.... same terrible cold...

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  7. We can't forget about the boiled "yazik" :)

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  8. Zalivnoy Yazik, Хрен u острая Pусская горчица...ewwww

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  9. russian sports Hockey, soccer, tennis and Durak!

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  10. HOLY!!!! THIS is completely genius. Crying is an understatement. Also, glad I can share this now with my American wife. This will explain a lot.

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  11. Please share with your wife and all your friends, can't wait to hear what they have to add!

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  12. Love it! It is so funny I am crying. Have to read it to my American husband who at one point or another he asked about those things. How about burning sol' na ogne chtob zglas ushel. :)

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  13. Hmmm... my parents don't swear.
    The carpet that was hanging on my grandparents' wall in Russia is now on our living room floor in Canada. We had to remove the little hooks.

    I have a few to add:
    1.Sometimes when I say "mama" (to my mom), she answers "ya za nee" (as if it's not her) - super annoying.
    2.Also, she likes to peel potatoes right into the sink. We don't have a garbage disposal. I finally trained her to at least put a plastic bag inside the sink.
    3.Also, apparently vodka cures everything! I usually get sick when we go to the Caribbean, so my mom either makes me drink vodka with salt or she rubs it all over me. It actually works every time :P
    4.We have issues about not finishing food. Except, unlike most westerners, we don't mention the starving children in Africa, but rather the starvation during the siege of Leningrad that my grandparents lived through. Works every time.

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  14. Very true on all fronts
    Food is a huge issue; ordering it, eating it, making it, not having enough of it, having too much/little, the list goes on and on...
    A party is measured by the amount of food and it's eather too much; oy ochen mnogo, kamu eto nada or, too little.
    To this day, I always finish everything on my plate and nothing is ever thrown away...sabachka budet takaya davolnaka...

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  15. Banki. Can't forget "banki" and trying to explain the round burn looking marks on your back. :-)

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  16. Couple more:
    *when you got a burn, it is recommended to pee on it; it helps!!!
    *when you've forgotten something in the house, don't return as it is a bad "primeta". And if you must return, look in the mirror before leaving home...

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  17. Ha ha ha all so true! My mamkas two favorites: For any Injury: It will heal by the time you get married - Da svadbe zajivyot. And for everything else... Throw cold water on your face. Headaches, Stomach ache, sprained ankle... Just throw some cold water on your face

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  18. can't say i relate to all of these, but it's cute :-) here's some more:

    ты должна ругать своего идиота козла брата - у него сегодня экзамен mom says on the phone (you must cuss at your idiot brother from .. to .. - he's taking an exam)

    куриная попка это деликатес за который дерется вся семья - а если мама тебя навещает и ты (прослушав все мамины тирады о диете и похудании,) готовишь курицу и выбрасываешь кожицу и попку, то мама с дрожью в голосе говорит что "ты ее очень обидела"
    a chicken's butt is a delicatessen that a whole famiy is fighting over - and if mom is visiting and you (after having listened to all of tirades about diet and losing weight) broil a chicken and throw away skin and butt, mom says in a jittery voice that "you really really hurt her"

    комплименты от бабушек: "хорошая палка чтобы мешать говно" = "Высокий и красивый" (но чтоб тьфу тьфу тьфу не сглазили) grandma's compliments: "a good stick for mixing shit" means you're "tall and handsome" (but you can't say that, watch out for the evil eye)

    if you're not married you can't sit at a table's corner on one of those big family/friends gatherings cause "еще 7 лет не женишься/выйдешь замуж" (won't get married for 7 years); for same reason you can't eat off of a knife (even when no one is looking, except mom)

    Tania (Grapp) Strobinski

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  19. can't say i relate to all of these, but it's cute :-) here's some more:

    ты должна ругать своего идиота козла брата - у него сегодня экзамен mom says on the phone (you must cuss at your idiot brother from .. to .. - he's taking an exam)

    куриная попка это деликатес за который дерется вся семья - а если мама тебя навещает и ты (прослушав все мамины тирады о диете и похудании,) готовишь курицу и выбрасываешь кожицу и попку, то мама с дрожью в голосе говорит что "ты ее очень обидела"
    a chicken's butt is a delicatessen that a whole famiy is fighting over - and if mom is visiting and you (after having listened to all of tirades about diet and losing weight) broil a chicken and throw away skin and butt, mom says in a jittery voice that "you really really hurt her"

    комплименты от бабушек: "хорошая палка чтобы мешать говно" = "Высокий и красивый" (но чтоб тьфу тьфу тьфу не сглазили) grandma's compliments: "a good stick for mixing shit" means you're "tall and handsome" (but you can't say that, watch out for the evil eye)

    if you're not married you can't sit at a table's corner on one of those big family/friends gatherings cause "еще 7 лет не женишься/выйдешь замуж" (won't get married for 7 years); for same reason you can't eat off of a knife (even when no one is looking, except mom)

    Tania (Grapp) Strobinski

    ReplyDelete
  20. can't say i relate to all of these, but it's cute :-) here's some more:

    ты должна ругать своего идиота козла брата - у него сегодня экзамен mom says on the phone (you must cuss at your idiot brother from .. to .. - he's taking an exam)

    куриная попка это деликатес за который дерется вся семья - а если мама тебя навещает и ты (прослушав все мамины тирады о диете и похудании,) готовишь курицу и выбрасываешь кожицу и попку, то мама с дрожью в голосе говорит что "ты ее очень обидела"
    a chicken's butt is a delicatessen that a whole famiy is fighting over - and if mom is visiting and you (after having listened to all of tirades about diet and losing weight) broil a chicken and throw away skin and butt, mom says in a jittery voice that "you really really hurt her"

    комплименты от бабушек: "хорошая палка чтобы мешать говно" = "Высокий и красивый" (но чтоб тьфу тьфу тьфу не сглазили) grandma's compliments: "a good stick for mixing shit" means you're "tall and handsome" (but you can't say that, watch out for the evil eye)

    if you're not married you can't sit at a table's corner on one of those big family/friends gatherings cause "еще 7 лет не женишься/выйдешь замуж" (won't get married for 7 more years); for same reason you can't eat off of a knife (even when no one is looking, except mom)

    your mom and dad stubbornly say "I'm interesting" instead of "I'm interested" even though you've explained the difference many times

    your friends jump off helicopters, but when YOU decide to buy a bike, mom, dad, uncle, etc say "не ищи себе приключений на жопу"

    Tanya Grapp (Strobinski)

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  21. I love the chicken butt, definitely worth fighting for and now my son is on to me so I get none of it!
    Was never allowed to sit on the corner of the dinner table or any table for that matter.

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  22. The other day a very nice old lady did the bella bella complement as she sent 2 Italian air kisses my way. So natuarally, I thanked her and did the double doulya...

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  23. Wow this is so true, My parents left to Odessa about 10 years ago but this is all coming back to me now. I CANNOT stop laughing right now... and god forbid you say something that they dont agree with its always TI SHTO...SUMASASHLA?! hahaha love it.. great post!

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  24. I was reminded of a few more over the weekend;
    You can't step over anyone because that means they will not grow...if that were true we would all be midgets!
    You should not open other people's refrigirators...it's rude and my parents didn't raise a rude child!

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